Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I Am Grammarman

I saw Spiderman 3 the other day. Not as much as the first two, but I liked it. Spidey's always been my favorite superhero because of his inner struggle--that conflict between his merely human desires and his responsibility to employ his gifts for the betterment of mankind. Spiderman cannot enjoy the pleasures and joys of average humanity because it is his duty to protect society from supervillians.

I sympathize with that struggle. I also have a gift of superhuman proportions. A gift that comes with commensurate responsibility. I speak, of course, of my knowledge of grammar and syntax. It is both gift and curse, I assure you. How I would love to sit through a TV interview or a Sunday sermon without wincing at every pronoun case error or malapropism. It is a heavy burden, my friends.

There are times, of course, to endure the pain and overlook the linguistic trespass. On other occasions, however, my duty to the language demands action. I am, after all, a chosen protector of the tenuous purity of English. There are violations that I find just too egregious to ignore.

For example, I was running yesterday when my grammar-sense started tingling. I passed a yard sign for a construction company. Their advertising slogan was,

Creative solutions for all your building needs.

It's a good thing I didn't have a magic marker with me. I might not have resisted the editorial urge.

For you innocent civilians who see no cause for concern, allow me to elucidate: Needs are not solved. Needs are met. Problems are solved. And, for the record, questions are answered.

No more of this please:

The answer to all your problems.
You've got questions? We've got solutions.

I had to get that off my bullet-proof chest.

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